The Making of a Salad
by Right What Is Wrong
Summary: Karin explains the truth of Sarada's parentage to Suigetsu. (Crackfic. Oneshot. Parody.)


**Author's Note** : Inspired by Jerry Springer Gaiden... er, "The Seventh Hokage and the Scarlet Spring".

* * *

"Huh?!" Karin sputtered. "That's ridiculous! That _I_ gave birth to Sarada?!"

"But what about that umbilical cord?" Suigetsu insisted, pointing at the offending shriveled object.

"It's from _Sakura_ and Sarada! There was a time -"

"-that Sakura was chasing after Sasuke and gave birth in your hideout?" Suigetsu guessed. "Ah, I see."

Karin smacked her forehead. "No, you moron! Why would a heavily pregnant woman be chasing after Sasuke?! Peacetime or not, that's asking for trouble!"

"Then what..."

"Actually - can you keep your mouth shut?"

Suigetsu's jaw hung open.

"Oh, never mind. I'm sure it will eventually come out anyway. I might as well tell you." Karin coughed. "She's not Sasuke's."

Suigetsu's jaw hung further open. "What - but she's got the Sharingan -"

"Yeah, we grabbed a couple and transplanted them. Sasuke's request." She shrugged. "It's not like the bad old days, back when they were rare. You can just grow them in the lab these days - look at Shin." Bending over, she rummaged around in a drawer and withdrew a fluid-filled jar, which she proffered to Suigetsu. "Want one? Special 50% discount on the second one if you opt for two."

A dozen Sharigans floated within the liquid. "Uh - no thanks," he muttered, backing away. "Don't they use up a lot of chakra or something?"

"No, that hasn't been the case for several chapters. Chapters? I mean years - don't know what came over me." She shook her head. "They're much more energy-efficient these days. A bunch of snot-nosed clones can wield Masenko Sharingans without breaking a sweat."

"So, um... what's the story?" Suigetsu said, scratching his head. "She's not Sasuke's kid?"

Karin sighed. "Alas, dear Sasuke's a eunuch," she explained. "Terrible accident while he was training with Orochimaru." She shot a glance towards the door and leaned closer. "Actually, I think Orochimaru might still have his balls," she said in a low voice. "He - she - whichever - denies it, of course. It's not as though I'll ever get a straight answer..."

"Oookay," Suigetsu said, scrubbing his mind of any thoughts of what Orochimaru might want with Sasuke's balls. "So who's the father?"

"I am."

A brief pause. "What, you're into Orochimaru's thing now?"

" _No_ ," said Karin vehemently. "I've got one body and I'm sticking to it, thank you very much. It just required a simple advanced medical technique... which Orochimaru did invent, but it's not related to _that._ " She held up two fingers. "In layman's terms - of course, it actually requires years of training and extremely fine-grained control - you just concentrate your chakra into your fingertips and shove them into-"

"Ah, it gets interesting!"

"-never mind, I sense the technical details will be wasted on you," she huffed, turning red. "Anyway, Sasuke was obligated, as the last living Uchiha, to produce a heir to carry on the clan, but he... lacked the capability, as I said. Thus he needed both a _discreet_ second parent and someone with enough... um, _unusual_ medic-nin experience... to successfully implant Sharingan without rejection. I satisfied both conditions." Shrugging, Karin went on, "Everything went perfectly. The impregnation process was successful, I monitored the pregnancy throughout and delivered the baby when the time came, and Sharingan were transplanted once Sarada was developmentally ready for them. She was too young to remember, of course. And there you go - Sarada 'Uchiha'."

"I guess that explains why she looks so much like you," Suigetsu muttered, for lack of anything better to say. Then he paused. "Uh, one question, though - if she's your and Sakura's kid, where did the dark hair come from?"

"What sort of question is that? From me, of course!"

"But you're a redhead-"

Karin grabbed a hank of black hair and held it up. "Does this look red to you?"

"But - I mean, in the anime-"

"Anime? Suigetsu, are you feeling all right? Do you need a checkup?"

He shook his head. "Nah, I think I just need to... lie down. Yeah, just go off and lie down somewhere, and... think about all this for a while..."


End file.
